News
5 Things You SHOULDN'T Do If He?s Cheating on You
Published: Apr 25, 2005 - 06:34 PM
This may be the most important information you come across about dealing with your husband?s affair. There?s lots of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you SHOULDN?T do in those first few hours, days or weeks after you find out the devastating news.
You?ve just discovered that your husband is cheating. You?re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let?s focus first on what you SHOULDN'T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to follow any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage whatever course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to save your marriage, if you do the wrong thing in the initial stages of discovery, you can make a bad situation worse. Let?s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN?T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don?t put him out or leave him - yet.
Instead of your first move, this should be your LAST resort. You may eventually decide to put him out or leave him, but in the early stages of discovery it?s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what?s going on. It?ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you have no way of knowing what he?s up to unless you hire a private investigator. As long as you?re still together, you can keep an eye on his activities, monitor his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There?s a lot you need to know about his affair before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Keep a close watch on your husband?s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal, you may need to refer to is as time goes on. Also bear in mind that as long as your husband is still therewith you, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Don?t tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It?s natural to want to confide in somebody when your husband is having an affair. Your first instinct will be to rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the ?other woman.? Make sure you?re confiding in someone you KNOW you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband?s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who will take advantage a woman when she?s in a vulnerable state. If you tell your husband?s friends or family, you may not get the results you want. They may not take you seriously, or they might lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. If you confide in your own family and friends, it can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren?t the only ones who never forget. The people closest to you will remember these unpleasant events long after they?ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband?s affair.
3. Don?t ignore his affair or pretend it?s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. By ignoring his infidelity, you?re enabling his affair. You?ll make him think he has your silent approval, or that you don?t know or don?t care what?s going on. At some point you need to inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes just telling your husband you know about his affair, will be enough to make him stop.
4. Don?t confront him without the 3 P?s ? Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he?s cheating. All he will do is lie. Lying and cheating go hand in hand. Instead, present the evidence you?ve gathered that proves he?s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him specific questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it?s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you can make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he?s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. To get the proof you need without spending money on a detective or surveillance equipment, get a copy. ?Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs? ( http://www.Is-He-Cheating-On-You.com ) This book lists practically every known sign of infidelity, and will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book. Hundreds of signs are conveniently grouped into 21 categories so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. To order your personal copy, call 800-431-1579 or order from http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com
5. Don?t waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It?s natural to be curious about her, but she?s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on you and on saving your marriage. Don?t obsess over the details of what happened between the two of them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling her will only make your husband come to her defense. You?ll be driving them closer together instead of breaking them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Whether you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband?s affair. In the early stages, you may not be sure just how you?ll handle the situation. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, if you avoid these 5 mistakes, the way will be clear for whatever decision you eventually decide to make.
Copyright ? 2005 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.
For more information visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs, a comprehensive guide which documents practically every known sign of infidelity. For more information about the book, infidelity, or cheating husbands, visit http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com To get a FREE Special Report which gives details on the 21 Categories of Telltale Signs of Infidelity, send an e-mail to InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with ?21 Categories? in the subject line. Ruth Houston also does affordable personal infidelity consultations by e-mail or by phone. Visit the website for details or fees.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage whatever course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to save your marriage, if you do the wrong thing in the initial stages of discovery, you can make a bad situation worse. Let?s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN?T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don?t put him out or leave him - yet.
Instead of your first move, this should be your LAST resort. You may eventually decide to put him out or leave him, but in the early stages of discovery it?s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what?s going on. It?ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you have no way of knowing what he?s up to unless you hire a private investigator. As long as you?re still together, you can keep an eye on his activities, monitor his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There?s a lot you need to know about his affair before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Keep a close watch on your husband?s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal, you may need to refer to is as time goes on. Also bear in mind that as long as your husband is still therewith you, you have a chance to work things out.
2. Don?t tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It?s natural to want to confide in somebody when your husband is having an affair. Your first instinct will be to rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the ?other woman.? Make sure you?re confiding in someone you KNOW you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband?s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who will take advantage a woman when she?s in a vulnerable state. If you tell your husband?s friends or family, you may not get the results you want. They may not take you seriously, or they might lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. If you confide in your own family and friends, it can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren?t the only ones who never forget. The people closest to you will remember these unpleasant events long after they?ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband?s affair.
3. Don?t ignore his affair or pretend it?s not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. By ignoring his infidelity, you?re enabling his affair. You?ll make him think he has your silent approval, or that you don?t know or don?t care what?s going on. At some point you need to inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes just telling your husband you know about his affair, will be enough to make him stop.
4. Don?t confront him without the 3 P?s ? Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he?s cheating. All he will do is lie. Lying and cheating go hand in hand. Instead, present the evidence you?ve gathered that proves he?s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him specific questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it?s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you can make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he?s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. To get the proof you need without spending money on a detective or surveillance equipment, get a copy. ?Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs? ( http://www.Is-He-Cheating-On-You.com ) This book lists practically every known sign of infidelity, and will help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book. Hundreds of signs are conveniently grouped into 21 categories so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. To order your personal copy, call 800-431-1579 or order from http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com
5. Don?t waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It?s natural to be curious about her, but she?s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on you and on saving your marriage. Don?t obsess over the details of what happened between the two of them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling her will only make your husband come to her defense. You?ll be driving them closer together instead of breaking them apart Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Whether you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband?s affair. In the early stages, you may not be sure just how you?ll handle the situation. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, if you avoid these 5 mistakes, the way will be clear for whatever decision you eventually decide to make.
Copyright ? 2005 Ruth Houston All rights reserved.
For more information visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston is the author of Is He Cheating on You?-829 Telltale Signs, a comprehensive guide which documents practically every known sign of infidelity. For more information about the book, infidelity, or cheating husbands, visit http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com To get a FREE Special Report which gives details on the 21 Categories of Telltale Signs of Infidelity, send an e-mail to InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with ?21 Categories? in the subject line. Ruth Houston also does affordable personal infidelity consultations by e-mail or by phone. Visit the website for details or fees.
