News
Freeing Up Your Fears
Published: Jul 18, 2004 - 08:48 AM
Many people are held hostage by their fears of stepping into the real world, and living their lives. For them life is a spectator sport and most of it is spent from the sidelines. But, why is it that we have these unrealistic fears about living out the lives that we are meant to live? Are we afraid of the world or are we really afraid of ourselves? Is it laziness or lack of self-esteem?
In my case, I think that it was my fear of failure. I was afraid of failing at love and life, and my fear paralyzed me into taking a back seat to where it was safe, and the effort to fail was minimal. And like most people, I didn?t realize that opting not to live my life fully was the biggest failure of all because I wasn?t living authentically. Not really.
For most of my life, I have been afraid of things -- fear of love, fear of driving, fear of flying, fear of not being a talented writer, fear of leaving my dead end job of 15 years. I had a fear of anything that had to do with stepping outside of the safe parameters I'd built around myself. I lived my life swirled in fear of being recognized. I was shrouded in mystery because I wasn't quite sure of the woman I was -- she was an undefined blob of fear.
My fear paralyzed me into leading a very unremarkable life. I didn't write anything seriously because I didn't believe that I had anything to say. I was unhappy in my job, but I didn't know how to get a new one. I wanted to see the world, but I couldn't bring myself to get a driver's license or step onto a plane. I wanted love, but I was afraid to put my heart out there. And so, I settled for a stagnant life. Not much changed over the years, though in my head I wanted to be so many things. In my head, I wanted to live for real.
I led a quiet life in a 3-storey walkup with few visitors having distanced myself from a lot of the connections I had made over the years for fear that they would recognize the blob of fear that I had become. And yet, I wasn?t a depressed person. I was just leading a depressing sort of life that only led up to the 3-storey walk up. My first steps at freeing up my fears didn?t have the ?a-ha moment? that makes us look at ourselves and try to change things. For me, it came quietly because I was tired of living inside of my head and wanted to live for real. I realized that I was living inside of a brown paper bag with holes and a limited view, and I wanted a panoramic view.
The first thing I did was get out of the black clothing that I wore so religiously. My own truth was not that dreary blackness that I projected; no it was fuchsia. Inside my head, I was the kind of woman that moved with grace because she was comfortable in her own skin. I have always been strong, but it was shrouded in layers of fear about love, life and the whole damn thing. Delores, my alter ego, in the novel I am writing, did all the brave woman things that I was afraid of doing. She lived to the fullest, made mistakes and took the wrong roads, but she had experiences, unlike my safe bordered life that really took no turns.
It was because I wanted to breathe in the world that I slowly started to tear away the brown paper. But, my real aha moment came when I lost my job a couple of years ago, and I really had to face my fears. It marked my true liberation as suddenly I looked around me and realized that I was petrified.
For the first time, I recognized my fear as something other than familiarity. I was afraid of losing my apartment. I had never really had to go out and look for a job. I have always lived in a world where I defined the rules. The idea of having to be judged like that made my stomach sick. I stayed with my old job for almost 15 years because I was afraid of leaving that safety zone. The rules of life as I knew it had changed, and it was either sink along with my fears and move back home with my lively parents, or show the world what I had.
In the beginning, I opted for sinking along with my fears, because I didn?t know how not to be afraid. I didn?t know how to start over. I took four months off, and lazed around the apartment being angry, nonchalant, relieved, and I discovered on the talk shows that I was not alone.
Eventually, I turned off the television, and I set a deadline to start job hunting. On that date, I put my best face forward and put on a suit for the first time in my life. I was floating from the exhilaration of breathing in the world again, be it with shaking knees and sweaty palms. But I didn?t let them see me sweat. I got the job in the first twenty minutes of the interview. It isn't my dream job, but the point is that my fears about the situation were unwarranted. Just as they were unwarranted about getting on a plane; letting someone touch my heart; and forging ahead with my writing.
Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me as I had to step outside of my safety zone and put myself out into the world without the net of familiarity. The stomach aches about being unemployed were symptoms of all that was wrong with my life. I was afraid of facing the world without a net.
Since stepping out of the brown paper bag, I have taken University courses, stepped on a plane about four times. I wear red! I have lost weight. I survived the dreaded job interview twice. I am about to be married. And, I am writing again and slowly starting a freelance writing career. I have just learned how to breathe on my own again. The indifference with which I looked at life was replaced with a zest for exploring all that life has to offer. It began with giving me permission to fail. I gave myself permission to be all the things that I can be without the fear of failure.
To some none of this is in the least remarkable, but I feel as if I am a quarter way into my first marathon, and I have got another 40 years to get to the finish line. Just the other day, I picked up a drivers manual to study the road rules, and the funniest feeling came over me. It was a feeling of control and liberation. I found myself laughing at the silliness of it all...how I can feel liberated at such a small thing. They are small victories, but they are my own. I have begun to free up my fears. But, it is only now that I am learning, as George Eliot says, "it is never too late to see what you could have been."
Dawn Prince is a freelance writer who is pleased to share her voice and simple truth. Visit her website - www.dawnprince.com.
She welcomes your interest and comments @gurlnts@netscape.net
For most of my life, I have been afraid of things -- fear of love, fear of driving, fear of flying, fear of not being a talented writer, fear of leaving my dead end job of 15 years. I had a fear of anything that had to do with stepping outside of the safe parameters I'd built around myself. I lived my life swirled in fear of being recognized. I was shrouded in mystery because I wasn't quite sure of the woman I was -- she was an undefined blob of fear.
My fear paralyzed me into leading a very unremarkable life. I didn't write anything seriously because I didn't believe that I had anything to say. I was unhappy in my job, but I didn't know how to get a new one. I wanted to see the world, but I couldn't bring myself to get a driver's license or step onto a plane. I wanted love, but I was afraid to put my heart out there. And so, I settled for a stagnant life. Not much changed over the years, though in my head I wanted to be so many things. In my head, I wanted to live for real.
I led a quiet life in a 3-storey walkup with few visitors having distanced myself from a lot of the connections I had made over the years for fear that they would recognize the blob of fear that I had become. And yet, I wasn?t a depressed person. I was just leading a depressing sort of life that only led up to the 3-storey walk up. My first steps at freeing up my fears didn?t have the ?a-ha moment? that makes us look at ourselves and try to change things. For me, it came quietly because I was tired of living inside of my head and wanted to live for real. I realized that I was living inside of a brown paper bag with holes and a limited view, and I wanted a panoramic view.
The first thing I did was get out of the black clothing that I wore so religiously. My own truth was not that dreary blackness that I projected; no it was fuchsia. Inside my head, I was the kind of woman that moved with grace because she was comfortable in her own skin. I have always been strong, but it was shrouded in layers of fear about love, life and the whole damn thing. Delores, my alter ego, in the novel I am writing, did all the brave woman things that I was afraid of doing. She lived to the fullest, made mistakes and took the wrong roads, but she had experiences, unlike my safe bordered life that really took no turns.
It was because I wanted to breathe in the world that I slowly started to tear away the brown paper. But, my real aha moment came when I lost my job a couple of years ago, and I really had to face my fears. It marked my true liberation as suddenly I looked around me and realized that I was petrified.
For the first time, I recognized my fear as something other than familiarity. I was afraid of losing my apartment. I had never really had to go out and look for a job. I have always lived in a world where I defined the rules. The idea of having to be judged like that made my stomach sick. I stayed with my old job for almost 15 years because I was afraid of leaving that safety zone. The rules of life as I knew it had changed, and it was either sink along with my fears and move back home with my lively parents, or show the world what I had.
In the beginning, I opted for sinking along with my fears, because I didn?t know how not to be afraid. I didn?t know how to start over. I took four months off, and lazed around the apartment being angry, nonchalant, relieved, and I discovered on the talk shows that I was not alone.
Eventually, I turned off the television, and I set a deadline to start job hunting. On that date, I put my best face forward and put on a suit for the first time in my life. I was floating from the exhilaration of breathing in the world again, be it with shaking knees and sweaty palms. But I didn?t let them see me sweat. I got the job in the first twenty minutes of the interview. It isn't my dream job, but the point is that my fears about the situation were unwarranted. Just as they were unwarranted about getting on a plane; letting someone touch my heart; and forging ahead with my writing.
Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me as I had to step outside of my safety zone and put myself out into the world without the net of familiarity. The stomach aches about being unemployed were symptoms of all that was wrong with my life. I was afraid of facing the world without a net.
Since stepping out of the brown paper bag, I have taken University courses, stepped on a plane about four times. I wear red! I have lost weight. I survived the dreaded job interview twice. I am about to be married. And, I am writing again and slowly starting a freelance writing career. I have just learned how to breathe on my own again. The indifference with which I looked at life was replaced with a zest for exploring all that life has to offer. It began with giving me permission to fail. I gave myself permission to be all the things that I can be without the fear of failure.
To some none of this is in the least remarkable, but I feel as if I am a quarter way into my first marathon, and I have got another 40 years to get to the finish line. Just the other day, I picked up a drivers manual to study the road rules, and the funniest feeling came over me. It was a feeling of control and liberation. I found myself laughing at the silliness of it all...how I can feel liberated at such a small thing. They are small victories, but they are my own. I have begun to free up my fears. But, it is only now that I am learning, as George Eliot says, "it is never too late to see what you could have been."
Dawn Prince is a freelance writer who is pleased to share her voice and simple truth. Visit her website - www.dawnprince.com.
She welcomes your interest and comments @gurlnts@netscape.net