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ebrown
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Post subject: Advice for men, How to attract women
 Posted: Dec 06, 2009 - 08:08 AM
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Joined: Dec 06, 2009
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First of all I'm a male. I've contributed to a few posts and don't think I'm breaking any rules by asking for all of your opinions here. I've come here for help and I'm not ashamed to ask for it.
about me.
I'm 24 years old and as an adult I've never had a date. I'm a web/graphic designer. I'm very attractive in my opinion with long dark brown hair large cheekbones and am a snappy dresser. I love cooking sewing astronomy and absolutely hate sports, cars, and many of the other male stereotypes.
I've had sex with two women. One was a girl friend in high school, first love kinda thing. The other was a one night stand with a girl who was extremely good looking, but I harbored no attraction to her personality at all. In both cases they picked me. I had the one night stand with the hope that it would make me stop caring about the emotional connection of sex that only comes with love since every body is sleeping with every body these days I thought not caring would help me find relationships. I've turned down opportunities with women simply for sleeping around too much because I have to have sex that means some thing. I've had plenty of opportunities for relationships/sex but it's always been in situations where the women either couldn't stimulate me intellectually or I had no idea what I did to make her attracted to me.
My Problem(s).
I'm telling you all about this so you know where I'm coming from and so you might be able to offer advice for what I'm going through. When it comes to women, I have absolutely no idea what makes women attracted to men. I can understand confidence and self respect which isn't a problem for me. I have no problem making idle chit chat in a confident friendly manner, but when attempting to generate that attraction I have no pallet of tools at my disposal. And as much as I wish we lived in a free society where women got paid the same and men didn't have to pull more weight, we don't. Women will not initiate romance with me. It doesn't matter if I'm friendly and confident, American women very rarely do it.
When women feel that deep attraction to a man during a conversation, what generates it and how can that trait be displayed in a conversation?This is a subject I don't think women really put in to words very often. I have a sister a few years older who I've asked for help with this. She didn't have any thing useful for me other than suggesting I make idle chit chat then some what randomly suggest we go do some thing. She also suggested she take me out with her girl friends and meet girls which might make women notice me with other women around me, but wouldn't help me at all. I need to be able to attract women my self and know what I'm doing other wise I have no control over my fate.
A male friend of mine recently gave me a unexpected one arm hug as we were saying good bye. I got in my car and waited for him to leave before I started crying uncontrollably. It's been years since I've had physical touch of any kind other than hand shakes and it was too much for my system to take. Thats why I'm posting long emotional threads on womens forums. I have to admit this lack of intimacy is making me mentally unhealthy.
If you have any specific advice on the matter of what generates emotional attraction in you It would be a very big help to me if you'd take the time to enlighten me.[/u] |
Last edited by ebrown on May 06, 2010 - 06:51 AM; edited 1 time in total
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smackie9
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Post subject: RE: Advice for men, How to attract women
Posted: Dec 06, 2009 - 08:25 AM
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| You can't attract with idle chat. Chatting up women is an art form. It involves how you carry yourself, react, and body language. Confidence yes, but also need playfulness, being witty, cocky and a teaser. You need to give a little attention then pull back, almost ignore. If you are being too metro sexual and chat about the wine menu, you may as well go home. |
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ebrown
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Post subject: RE: Advice for men, How to attract women
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 - 06:26 AM
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What emotions am I attempting to provoke when teasing? I can understand the logic of being more attracted to some one who isn't interested, but from what angle should I tease? Insinuate some thing unfaltering but not too abrasive about the person while doing so in a playful way so she knows it's just a joke?
I appreciate your comment. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Dec 15, 2009 - 08:29 AM
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| You tease in a casual sense like a brother does to a sister....very non sexual. I don't usually recommend any of those "How to pick up women" sites but there is one that gives logical advice on what to do and what not to do. It's called art of seduction. There's a menu on the right to go through. Start reading. |
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ebrown
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 01, 2010 - 04:37 AM
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Thanks for your advice smackie9, I found the site you suggested to be full of a lot of fluff talk and not a lot of actual advice on flirting like you suggested so maybe it's changed but I think I understand what your talking about.
Most of the conversational pieces I think your talking about require a on going conversation. So as a strategy would it make sense to start a normal conversation and then comment negatively on some thing about her in the conversation as if it's tainted in a childish way because she has cooties?
Am I even coming close here.
"Eww your drinking decaf! I thought only little girls and old women drink decaf?"
"Hey I love your shoe's, with those heals they'd be great on a homeless person for climbing into dumpsters. Do you do a lot of dumpster diving?
Thanks again for your tremendous help. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 01, 2010 - 05:32 AM
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ebrown
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 12, 2010 - 04:39 AM
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Thank you for the link. I'm sad to say I've heard every thing this guy has to say and none of it has been absorbed into my mind. I understand whats going on here but I don't think you or he are articulating it very well which is why it's confusing. Let me tell you what I think is being conveyed in that video and you can tell me if I'm getting warmer.
He's not treating women the way he would treat a sister, siblings tease each other to be hurtful. It's more like how you would treat a child. When he say's "you'd better be nice to James or they'll put you on the wall" it's just being demanding not teasing so much in my vocabulary, But I understand why you worded it that way. He's putting him self in a position of authority by jokingly warning her of the consequences of not being like him (being nice to james). Also, he's challenging her opinion or knowledge. Because she doesn't know james he's playfully challenging her not knowing him as if it's strange and thus implying value to himself. Also in the second video he's challenging the womens choice of power bar by telling her the one she's selected isn't any good one and saying he knows a better one thus challenging and positioning him self as valuable.
So in summary, by suggesting this video are you saying confidently challenge and playfully warn, discredit a women on something.
Tell me if this is getting close. I don't memorize what I'm going to say before I leave the house but I'd like to know if I'm on the right track. Lets say I'm at a bookstore/coffee shop, Women behind the counter and I go to order a cup and say some thing along these lines.
"I'm not sure what I want since my caffeine drink lexicon isn't very large but I know what I want in it so maybe you can suggest some thing. I want something with caffeine and a rich chocolate flavor." She suggests some thing and I reply "are you sure that's the drink for me?" yeah, "then I'll take one but this better be good or I'll never trust your opinion again." Then get the drink, pretend it's awful and joke about being interested in a new book since it's a bookstore and coffee shop but say "I was going to ask you to recommend a book but judging by this awful drink maybe I shouldn't." all said playfully with a smile.
Thank you again for your help. It's very degrading for me to seek help on a womens forum for this kinda thing not because your not helping but because I have no one to talk to about this. Friends of mine who don't have this problem have no good advice to offer because they don't know what they're doing that works.
Thank you. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 12, 2010 - 05:30 AM
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As I read through your posts....it seem to me you have social anxiety and you have been detached emotionally at a very young age. It's almost like you have a mix of depression and ADHD. The advice I have given you and I'm sure the advice from your friends, is quiet easy to follow, but I feel you have trouble comprehending the actually meaning and use. I also feel when you are faced with challenges such as learn new things or trying to communicate in social situations, you shut down, get frustrated and angry. Do you feel that a million thoughts go through your head that it starts to get confusing? Do you start to get flustered, anxious?
Have you ever thought about seeking professional help to see if there is a prognosis? |
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ebrown
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 12, 2010 - 10:50 PM
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Two and a half years ago I saw a psychologist for social anxiety because to put it bluntly It was getting pretty bad. The women I saw had little advice other than maybe going to see a fortune teller. She seemed to be more interested in pushing her unscientific religious views than helping me if fact all the good advice from those sessions came from my self thinking back to a intro psych class I've taken. She did insist that I take a IQ test which claimed I'm ADHD with a 130 iq.
I knew there wasn't any thing she was going to be able to help me with, nor did I have the money to keep going so I stopped going. I began treating my self the same way psychologists treat people with phobias. Exposing myself to the stimuli and then gradually increasing the dosage. Today I can start a conversation with just about any one. I'm currently starting a astronomy club which means talking to strangers a lot. I call people I've never talked to for my work.
The description you painted of me would have been quite close a few years ago. It's true emotionally detached would correctly describe my child hood. Other than that there's nothing in your painting of me that I relate to. The notion that I don't understand what your saying because I may have ADHD I think ignores the generic grammar with which your advice comes. If you tell me to tease a women the way I would my sister, I think back to the way my sisters teased me growing up which was always hurtful so naturally why wouldn't I assume you mean the same?
Your advice is good, better in fact that my friends advice which was to go to places so loud you can't hear your self think and get them drunk and "just be confident". You've ignored my last post completely and I'd like you to at least tell me if my break down of that video makes sense because I'm writing this from a coffee shop on my laptop. Before checking this thread I ordered tee and the women at the counter had a overly complex system for giving me my tee which involved me putting the tee bag in, and her filling it. I commented on it's complexity and how it's a good thing I'm only getting tee and commented she must be vary complex. She started laughing and I layed back (like you said) and she has been looking for a reason to restart the conversation ever since. Why is this working if my analysis of what your attempting to tell me is wrong?
It's very frustrating to have you tell me I don't understand because I must have adhd when you tell me to tease a women when teasing to me requires a negative observation of some kind. I really do appreciate the advice you've given me, but is it possible your not quite sure how to articulate exactly what a man does that makes you attracted to him? Is it possible that you don't want to believe that teasing is being negative in some small way because it wouldn't fit the notion in your mind of how a man "should" treat a women? |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 - 01:15 AM
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| I can sum it up in one word.....confidence. When a guy can carry himself well through any social situation, and is comfortable with himself, is a guy that will win over just about any woman. If a guy is shaking in his boots, can't carry on with a conversation, stumbles on his words, is nervous, even just a hint of being nervous, weak mannered, oh the big one....is negative about life.......he hasn't a chance. He may as well go home. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 - 02:15 AM
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ebrown wrote: Two and a half years ago I saw a psychologist for social anxiety because to put it bluntly It was getting pretty bad. The women I saw had little advice other than maybe going to see a fortune teller. She seemed to be more interested in pushing her unscientific religious views than helping me if fact all the good advice from those sessions came from my self thinking back to a intro psych class I've taken. She did insist that I take a IQ test which claimed I'm ADHD with a 130 iq.
The description you painted of me would have been quite close a few years ago. It's true emotionally detached would correctly describe my child hood. Other than that there's nothing in your painting of me that I relate to. The notion that I don't understand what your saying because I may have ADHD I think ignores the generic grammar with which your advice comes. If you tell me to tease a women the way I would my sister, I think back to the way my sisters teased me growing up which was always hurtful so naturally why wouldn't I assume you mean the same?
So I have you pegged just from our posts on a website and we have never met in person......doesn't that tell you something? You still have yer problems, I can see it. You are not the only one I talk to that has these disorders. The one thing I notice with you guys is the, I'll call it, stubborness and denial. My advice falls on like deaf ears or you twist it around....but what I tell you and what you understand are two different things, which is part of the disorder. Now I can see why you have trouble interacting and say being able to "intrigue" a female, like to create intensity with body movement and social interaction. To me this stuff is a snap. I read people very well, most cases people are stunned at how acute my intuition is.
Anyways you cannot treat this disorder by yourself. I'm talking with someone right now about it, and he is looking into trying medication to see if it will help him. He is looking into trying Adderall. It's just a suggestion but maybe you could look into something like that...maybe it will help you. |
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bettysmorgas
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 - 03:25 AM
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Joined: Jan 07, 2010
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| I skipped down here without reading all the responses because I didn't want to fall asleep. You can't think about it and plan it. You've got to have your own thing, your own bearing, and not try to tailor yourself or your personality to attract someone because when the dust clears the real you is all that's left. Keep a good attitude and enjoy trying to find your niche with healthy exploration. When the noodle sticks, eat. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 13, 2010 - 03:42 PM
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bettysmorgas wrote: I skipped down here without reading all the responses because I didn't want to fall asleep. You can't think about it and plan it. You've got to have your own thing, your own bearing, and not try to tailor yourself or your personality to attract someone because when the dust clears the real you is all that's left. Keep a good attitude and enjoy trying to find your niche with healthy exploration. When the noodle sticks, eat.
What comes naturally to us, doesn't to individuals who suffer from anxiety disorders. Having a few drinks and then go with the flow to them is easier said than done. Sometimes if the flow gets going and there's a small set back, they revert back to the hurt, confusion and frustration. Those feels feels are easily brushed off by you or me, if we even have them, but for them it's over whelming and they can fall into a depressed state. As for having a good attitude, that's next to impossible when you have an anxiety disorder. They have a few highs, but many lows....they can't help it, that's why doctors prescribe meds to give them their life back so to speak. |
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ebrown
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 16, 2010 - 05:22 AM
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Who years ago a women I was attracted to rolling her eyes at me or blowing me off would have been devastating. Today I couldn't possibly care less what a stranger thinks of me. Until a women gives me reason to believe their opinion of me is worth caring about I would take no note of it.
Had I of talked to you two years ago you would have emphatically insisted I needed to drug my self to be brought up to your superior non-disordered level, when in reality all I needed to do was stop deriving self worth from external sources. It's Sad to think about the people who's lives your having a negative effect on by playing Mrs. Psychiatrist after watching too much Dr.Phil. Just because your intuition tells you some thing doesn't mean you have any idea what your talking about.
bettysmorgas made some good points. I have no problem "being my self" I'm not looking for lines or prefabricated conversations. All I'm really asking for are women to tell me what conversation subjects produce attraction in them and why they think that is. If you say be playful and confident, please try and understand, that's extremely vague. I don't need help walking confident. Thanks for your time. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Jan 16, 2010 - 05:28 PM
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I don't watch Dr. Phil lol. My advice is from true life experiences of my trials and errors, many years of listening to people, working in a bar for over 4 years, a lot of reading and studying sociology, dealing with my mom's mental illnesses, her alcoholism and prescription drug abuse, etc. I do not get my advice skills from watching TV...in fact I don't watch much of it anyways. I'm 46, been through a lot, and I know I have much more to learn and experiences to come.
I'll tell you this though, getting to the level of being able to "captivate" a woman's attention through conversation is not about the content. It's how you talk to them, body language, eye contact, and your confidence level. This my dear comes with experience. Content of a conversation would be based on the individual and your ability to figure out what THAT individual is into. There is no generic conversation topics for you to use. I was just giving you the basic stradagies on how to get started.
Every one's advice is spot on. Having a few drinks, being yourself, confidence, skills and tips on how to GET their attention is all you really need to get started, but unfortunately the rest fall on you to figure out. Like I said there is no generic topics, women are as unique as snowflakes. You need to develop the skills to get them comfortable being around you. It's not what you say, it's HOW you do it. That's what I have been trying to tell you all along.
I'll tell you what would captivate me, conversation wise. I like talking about fast cars, muscle cars, high performance engines, drag racing, beer and drinking beer, porn( yes porn), fishing, sex, paranormal activity, underground bands such as the Dead Milkmen, Dinosaur Jr., They Might Be Giants. World of Warcraft.Playing guitar, writing music.
Now if anyone came up to me and talked about work or family, movies or food....I would get very bored, very fast.
I'll give you an example of what has captivated me. One time an average guy, red hair, wearin a boring looking blazer, not really attractive, came right up to me, took both my hands, learned forward and said "My god! you are just the cutest thing!" "I just had to come over and tell you that". Big smile, friendly, confident.....I was just swept off my feet. That happened like 6 years ago and I still feel it lol. It left that much of an impression on me. |
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