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kitten11
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Post subject: Fooling around with my boyfriend
 Posted: Sep 10, 2008 - 09:20 PM
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Joined: Sep 10, 2008
Posts: 5
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| Now, I know I may be young, but I've come here to reach out for help, so I'd prefer not to be bashed on. I am 16 years old. I am a virgin and I AM on birth control just in case. My boyfriend and I have not had sex, but we enjoy fooling around, giving eachother oral etc. Which is normal I think, to want to discover each other's bodies and to figure out what feels good. We have been together for 10 months. Now, I know it may seem a bit sick to all of you, but I don't care. My boyfriend is 28. I'll be turning 17 in 1 month. So basically, we are 11 years apart. And yes, I had to fight my mother tooth and nail to be able to be with him. And I did, and I was successful. It took months upon months, but it happened. And I'm happy. So we agreed we were going to take things slow. And we did. We haven't had sex yet, and really we don't want to as of now. But we enjoy playing and fooling around. He had to move in to his mothers house about a year ago because he ran into huge financial problems and needed a bit of help. So he still lives there. Now, she's always home, and he has brought it to my attention that he doesn't like to fool around when she's home, because he doesn't want us to get caught. Which is understandable. But he has no problems letting me do stuff to him when she's home, but he won't ever do stuff to me when she's home because he said I'm too loud. I told him I could be quiet, and he still said no because if she unexpectedly knocks on his door, it would be hard for me to pull my pants up etc. when he could just zip his zipper up. I feel really bad about this because it is always me who is pleasuring him and I feel like he's not appreciating my body and wanting to be with me in that way. I don't want to feel selfish, but I do in a way. He wants to get his own place again, but if he does, I'll never be allowed over because my mom won't let me be "alone" with him, even though when I go over, we are sometimes alone. So he wants to stay at his moms house so we can see eachother all the time. Which is sweet and caring, but frustrating a bit. I know some of you may say I'm too young to be worrying about fooling around and I'm with someone who is too old for me, but, he is great and treats me with dignity and respect and loves me. And he doesn't pressure me into anything. But I'm at the age where I want to start figuring that stuff out and exploring his and my own body. What should I do? Just forget about fooling around until I'm 18 and I can go to his house whenever I want and do whatever we want? |
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fiesta
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Post subject: RE: Fooling around with my boyfriend
Posted: Sep 11, 2008 - 01:13 AM
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Joined: Sep 01, 2008
Posts: 31
Status: Offline
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I think the problem lies in the reality of your situation. This isn't judgement or opinion, just reality...ok?
1) Your b/f could and would be arrested and put in jail if he were caught messing around with you.
2) He would also be subject to being known as a "sexual predator" and a "sex offender" for the REST of HIS LIFE.
3) Your mom is probably very seriously at risk for allowing this relationship to take place. My guess is that if this relationship were exposed to the authorities for whatever reason (ie, his mother turning him in, etc.), then he'd be immediately arrested and if you told them that your mother allowed the relationship to take place, then you'd be taken from her and put in "protective custody" in a foster home until this could be all sorted out.
Here's the judgement ok?
Now, I'm not beating YOU up about any of this. None of this is your fault. I'm just pointing out the reality of the situation and why he is acting as he is. I don't think you are sick at all.
As it is, whether or not I (or anyone else here) has a problem with your relationship is of zero real consequence. What is of consequence is that the law has a major problem with the relationship. I feel pretty certain that your b/f wishes you'd turn 18 NOW. I'm pretty sure you do too, but that isn't going to happen until it's time.
I understand your frustration. Don't feel like you're being selfish. I don't think you are sick in any way. But in all honesty I do think he is very seriously mentally ill for a couple of reasons.
1) He knows what the consequences of his actions are, but still participates in doing them (even though he tries to keep it to you messing around with him, he is still the ADULT and is still responsible for it). This is psychotic behavior (I know you think he's nice, and I'm sure I'd think he was if you were 18, but you are not and that ALONE makes him mentally ill.
2) There are other things that are going on in his life like his financial instability being so bad that he had to move back home with his mom...this is representative of pretty extreme financial instability, and it is just one more piece in the puzzle that tells me something isn't right with his ability to rationalize through situations clearly.
3) Even if he moved back home with his mom, he's 28 years old. Why would his mom feel free to bash in the room on him? There's something a little weird about that too. That at 28 he is still under her thumb to that extent. By contrast, when I hit puberty, my mom stopped just walking in my room unannounced (and for good reason).
Dear...honestly, you're just in a very tough situation. This isn't a mess that you've created, but I think you are very intelligent and level-headed (maybe a little headstrong too). I'll tell you 100% honestly with ONLY your interest in my heart. This is not the right guy for you. Not at all. Were you 18 when you two MET, then I'd have zero problem, but the fact is that you are not, and when you turn 18, or 20 or 40, you'll understand how much different 16 is than 18, even if you FEEL more mature than 16. Trust me when I say this. I'll be happy to discuss this more with you and I hope I haven't made you mad by saying this, but it is true. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 11, 2008 - 02:34 AM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
Posts: 798
Status: Offline
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Yes there are some good points there. There's also another one I would like to mention. When a man his age has a relationship with a teenager, there's reason for that. He has emotional trouble in dealing with mature women. Red flag honey.
So ya you should wait till you are legal age for his sake, but you should stop doing anything with him all together. If he cares for you he'll wait. |
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fiesta
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 11, 2008 - 11:42 PM
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Joined: Sep 01, 2008
Posts: 31
Status: Offline
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Good point Smackie, clearly he is looking for someone "intellectually" inferior to him. The problem is that I don't believe he has found someone intellectually inferior. I think she is by far intellectually and emotionally superior to him. This tells me that he is probably operating on the mental capacity of about a 12 year old.
I don't say that to be hurtful, but ONLY to further illustrate the point that there IS a reason why this guy is doing what he's doing with a 16 year old girl. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 12, 2008 - 02:04 AM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
Posts: 798
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| Nah I think it's a control thing. What teenage girl wouldn't want to win the heart of an older man. They love it!! You sure feel far more mature when you do that's for sure. When you are a young girl you don't see the big picture and do not see anything wrong with it. She doesn't have the problem. He does. He is too insecure to have a mature relationship with an adult woman. He has a real control over this impressionable young girl. She is giving him head thinking that the act is love. But all it is to him is sex. Sorry gf it is all bs with this dude. You are so being used. Why should he ditch you when you are so willing to please him sexually. Now that he is showing his true colors with his greediness, I hope some of our advice is sinking in. Sex and love are two different things......please never think for one minute that sex is love. Love is an emotion, sex is an act. He does not love you. He is controlling you. Time to get out of it, bc lady he's gonna use you up and then find another one younger than you soon after you give it up. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 12, 2008 - 02:13 AM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
Posts: 798
Status: Offline
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| But hey you never know.......I worked with someone in her situation. They were even engaged when she turned 19. As soon as she turned 21 she dumped him for another older guy and etc. |
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smackie9
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 12, 2008 - 02:25 AM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
Posts: 798
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| Basically if it was meant to be he can wait. Maybe cool it with him for awhile so he can get his life on track......what do your friends think of all this? |
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mickie
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Post subject:
Posted: Sep 12, 2008 - 04:12 AM
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Joined: Aug 28, 2007
Posts: 146
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It is hormones. Plain and simple.
You can not remove them. They are part of your creation.
The question is.....do we have the brains to over-ride the hormones?
Some do....some have.....some hope...some are dopes.
I am damn glad that I could learn from my mistakes, in the 1960’s. |
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