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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4797
 Posted: Aug 07, 2007 - 12:25 PM
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Joined: Aug 07, 2007
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First let me say, if anyone wants to read actual details, let me know.
I am 22, she is 19. We are both in college. I also have many more questions about other stuff.
My girlfriend is apparently scared of commitment and gets scared when the relationship gets too serious.
every time she gets bored of me or it gets to serious or she is scared, she goes and does some stupid childish thing which hurts me a lot, and that afterwards she regrets? she has agreed to this, I told her that it can not continue, because she gets these very short temporary mixed feelings, then she does something stupid and says bad things to me, then those feelings go away and she realize and remember that she loves me and wants to be with me, she agreed. She said that she can not get drunk anymore if I?m not there, she said she needs to stop drinking, I told her NO! you can drink, you can have fun without me, I want you to have fun without me, I want to trust you!!! (she asked me to trust her but proved to me that I can?t). She said its better if I go to her to parties and she doesn?t drink much? she doesn't trust herself very much, which really sucks and scares me...
I told her straight up that if she wants to be with me, she has to be with me, and cut all this crap out, she said she was sorry, I told her, if I even see you start this stuff again, I will turn my back on you as if nothing? she went ?yes? with her head with a very sad face.
She commented GIRLS WANT WHAT THEY CAN?T HAVE, i don't know how true that is, but its besides the point...She told me that it was the reason why she ALWAYS WENT FOR THE DICKS AND ASSHOLES, to have what she couldn?t have? maybe change them? tame them? ... And that it was a MISTAKE, it always turned out wrong, and it was WORTHLESS and she always got hurt, they were the biggest MISTAKES of her life. That made me feel good, that she realizes these things, and that I?m not like that, which is why she holds on to me tight.
I think she realized that she can loose me, and that I am the best guy she has ever been with (everyone says so, her family loves me, her close friends love me? and I doubt I will ever b able to turn my back on her even though I said I would, she?s just to special to me). All the other assholes that she tried to change, but it was just the wrong thing to be with them according to her, were not worth it. She says that she does love me, and that she?s a bitch and needs to straighten up her act hardcore, specially if intoxicated. And that in the end, having a boyfriend who is a nice guy is better then one who is a royal prick and an asshole.
She says and shows her love to me, so why do I worry? I don?t know maybe due to her past, her reputation, and the things she has said to me (cheated on all her boyfriends, has treated me like shit at times, such as when she has gotten mixed feelings or whatever)
I don?t know why but I have this horrible feeling I?m going to loose her one of these days, I don?t know why I?m like this, so attached? everything is great between us now, it seems like she understand she fucked up hardcore, and that its not the way to act, it seems like she has realized that being with a good guy is the best thing to do, but now I?m more scared then ever. Why does she have to be so scared of commitment? If you find a special person you do whatever you can to hold on and make things work right? Specially if you know the other person loves you and is there for you (me) I know she loves me and wants to be with me, I know I?m the guy who has treated her the best in her life, she knows that too,?I do everything and anything for her. She is very mature in every other aspect of her life, I hope she can mature in love? she apologized, she said it will not happen again, she wants to be with me? but wow? I?m scared now? I don't want to loose her, she's so special to me, and she?s everything to me... i just want to be able to trust her and know that she won't make these dumb mistakes again...
One of her roommates whom I talk to a lot told me that out of curiosity he asked her why she was scared of commitment, she said that she did not know what had gotten over her that night (and another night this happens where we broke up for a week and she came back to me because she said that she loved me and that she wanted to be with me because I have shown her that I truly love her, and that I have done things which her ex boyfriend had never done for her) she also said that she was glad that things are better between us.
She always makes plans ahead of time, this day we?re doing such and such, and I?m fine with that? she wants to go on a small trip with me, awesome? she asked me random questions about if we got married and had kids? stuff that makes me smile because it shows she wants to be with me and that she loves me, but at the same time? all the sudden she gets scared?
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smackie9
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Post subject: 4801
Posted: Aug 07, 2007 - 02:17 PM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
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Sounds like she has issues that could have stemmed from her childhood. Like Parents getting divorced or had separated for a time. Or even lost trust in someone that had hurt her so badly. She doesn't sound mature enough to have a serious relationship. Her talk of marriage and kids could be her way of making you stay with her. I can see your frustration.....The only way to save a relationship like this is to get couples counseling....it sounds adult, but I know of young people like yourselves have tried it. It's all depends how committed you both are to this relationship.
edited by: smackie9, Aug 07, 2007 - 09:22 AM[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4802
Posted: Aug 07, 2007 - 02:58 PM
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wow... yo are right
her parents got divoreced when she was 2, and sort of abandoned her for 2 years, they are good people, but they weren't back then... and yes, she has had boyfriends who have completley torn her apart... to the point where i ask her, do you feel anything? do you have emotions? and she says no... i ask her why and what happened, she says... boyfriend who didn't give a damn about me... never treated me right, never cared about aniversarys... ( she has been treated like shit, believe me, again if you want details PM me, but yeah ) and i tell her, well now you're with someone who does care, who will do everything and anything for you...she knows this, i think she's scared of that... i pay for everything, i open the doors, i bring her a towel after she takes a shower... i help her do her house chores and also her sisters (because her sister is a lazy twat who doesn't care about anything which means my girldfriend has to do her stuff too...) so i don't know, maybe with time... she'll learn to trust... and not be scared...
all i know is that i love her... not to brag, but i've been with a decent number of women, and to be honest, many of them were more atractive then her... many of them were better at sex then her... many of them had more money, looks, character, treated me better... etc etc... but she is the only one i've felt like this about... i mean, i haven't felt a fraction of what i feel for this girl for any other girl i've been with, its as if, she's the one... i can't imagine my life without her... so i want to make things work as best as possible... i know she loves me and cares and wants to be with me, but as i said earier, she gets confused and does things she later regrets... [addsig] |
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smackie9
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Post subject: 4807
Posted: Aug 07, 2007 - 09:51 PM
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Joined: Aug 14, 2004
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| Well most colleges have counselors.......why doesn't she see one to work through some of her past issues....[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4874
Posted: Aug 13, 2007 - 06:40 PM
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That would be cool, but maybe in the future, right now she's trying very hard to change, so if i feel its not enough, i'll bring that up, i'm more then willing to pay, and i know she's more then willing to change, but... i don't know about her seeing a shrink, she may not agree with that.
I drew the line with her last night, i told her that i know you love me and want to be with me, but you have to be willing to change and walk the walk instead of talk the talk, she said she's trying very hard and does not want to be like that, and that she is trying. I said that i don't trust her, because she doesn't trust herself when she gets drunk (words out of her own mouth) that when she gets drunk, she just doesn't care... and will fuck anyone... i told her that the day she trusts herself, is the day iwill trust her... thankfully nothing has YET happened while we are dating, but it still bugs me that she gets calls from drunk people who she fucked one drunken night, trying to get on her (she doesn't answer) and how carless she has been.
I told her that if she ever does crap like that to me, i will not look back when i turn my back on her forever. She asked me if i really meant that, and i said yes. She said that one of her Ex's told her that, and to prove him wrong she cheated on him and he took her back. i said that if you think thats the way it will be with me, you are very wrong. She said that she knew, and that that time was a mistake also and that she learned her lesson.
So the bottom line is, she knows where i stand, and that i will not put up with that shit, she knows that she needs to change, wants to change, and is trying to change. She wants to be with me "for a long time" when i asked her what that meant, she said "for as long as it lasts" which made me happy. I love her and will do anything and everything i can for her, but... i will turn my back on her forever if she fucks up. She almost fucked up one night, and the next day she was crying, sad, unhappy... i know that if she were to fuck up, the next day she would regret it so much... because deep down inside she wants me, she cares about me, she loves me, and wants to be with me, and does not want to be like she is/was (or better said, like her older sister, what a great influence...)
I talked to an old friend from spain, he's having a baby, and is getting married, the child will be born in christmas, and i'm thinking of going, and Alexis has shown a lot interested in going, she said that it depends on money and her mom letting her. I said not to worry about the money, and told her that i'd love it if she came with me.
I think it would be a very bonding experience, i'd show her where i livedm where i studied, where i hung out, the monuments, the underground, clubs, food, beach... maybe drive up to northern spain or sothern france and ski for a few days...
So as of now things are fine, i just hope she doesn't fuck up...
i'm also getting an apartment, and she said she'll be there a lot, which is great.
Pray for her, so she can change and mature, and not be a fuckin wild child, When she's not druk she's fantastic, when she's drunk and with me, she is also, but if she temporarly has mixed feeling, i'm fucked... because she'll bang someone else, then cry to me the next day when she realized what she has done and that i'll never be with her again... she wants me so much, and loves me so much... and wants to be with me so much... and i do too... but i'm stills scared and i can't trust her.
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smackie9
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Post subject: 4889
Posted: Aug 14, 2007 - 12:44 AM
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| Well there is one thing she can do....quit drinking all together. Anyone who goes out, gets faced and looks for attention is very insecure and is suffering from their past. The alcohol just brings back all those horrible feelings, so all she is doing is trying to reassure herself by receiving some one's affections. You need to give a lot of support.....I still think counseling would be real beneficial. I don't think she can do this on her own.[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4898
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 12:20 PM
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I agree with her not drinking all together, she has mentioned this also, or cut back a lot... and for me to be there and control her to an extent. But realistically speaking, its almost the end of the quarter... she's going to want to get wasted as soon as this quarter is over...
Even though things are more then good between us right now, i still cannot get it out of my mind... in a minute she will do a 180...
She's been super affectionate lately, and that makes me happy, but her messing up is only a "few beers" and a "temporary moment of mixed feelings" away...
Counseling... i wish, i'll try...not yet though... if i bring it up i better have a reason too, in other words, her almost messing up, then i can tell her that she should go to counseling... until then... she's just going to say that she's trying (which she is).
Wish me and her the best... i know she loves me and wants to be with me, and i do too, but... its painfull, day after day, having to think about this... and not knowing when or where it will happen, or if it will happen, i can only hope it doesn't... but then again... if you look at her past relationships, its happened in every one.
A little bit about that actually, i know she's not making this up to make me feel better, i know she's telling the truth. She's had many boyfriends, gone out with a lot of guys, and has had long relationships, and for now, she's comparing me to her longest and best relationship, which was of 2 years, and we've only been dating 2 months. She says she's never felt the love she feels towards me towards the other people she has been with, not even at the relationships prime moment. This may be wierd to talk about, but when it comes to sex, she's lazy, but the thing is she has done the work a ew times, and has done oral (which she hates) and she tells me that she hasn't done that with the other people she dated in the past... she said that out of grace, on one of their birthdays, she gave one oral, and that he did soemthing which she didn't like (push her head down) so she stopped and never did it again (2 years ago) so her wanting to do the work and do stuff she does not like and try new things (if you know what i mean by "other things") shows me that she cares and wants to please me... thats my opinion... i don't know, i know she loves me and wants to be with me for as long as it lasts, she's exited about me getting an apartment, she's pushing me to get it, she has questions about it, she's going to spend a lot of time there, all these things make me super happy... yet i can't get this other stuff off my mind...
Mostly i want her to get out of where she lives... partys every friday and saturday, they always get something stolen, people use her bed... her sister is a royal Kunt (i kid you not... not exagerating, she's a horrible person and a horrible influence) she can;t study because of all the noise the 5 other people who live there make... i think me having a nice peacefull apartment will be good, and she'll like it a lot. Plus she doesn't even have to get a campus parking pass because i'm literally across the street...
The bracelet i gave her, she loves it and wears it all day, and even stares at it all day  . she took it off one minute and her sister wanted to hide it from her to mess with her... not in a good way either, i know it sounds like fun and games, but that girl is evil, an evil manipulative girl with an innocent smile on her face...
Infact sometimes i wish i was a girl, it would be great to have someone do everything for you, help you out in everything, always be there for you for anything and everything, always take you out places, pay for everything, make sure you're having fun and treat your every need...
edited by: Xquesiano, Aug 15, 2007 - 03:45 AM[addsig] |
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Coldliz
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Post subject: 4899
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 12:25 PM
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Joined: Jun 17, 2007
Posts: 133
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[quote]
Infact sometimes i wish i was a girl, it would be great to have someone do everything for you, help you out in everything, always be there for you for anything and everything, always take you out places, pay for everything, make sure you're having fun and treat your every need... edited by: Xquesiano, Aug 15, 2007 - 03:21 AM[/quote]
ummm, I'm sorry but that's just wrong.[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4900
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 12:35 PM
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let me rephrase... i do everything and anything for her, i treat her with respect, i always look out for her and her best interests, i'm always there to listen and help out in anything i can, i always take her out to places, and when she offers me to pay me back i say no, i make her feel special (because she is) and i make her feel loved and cared for (because i do)... i drive her wherever, because she can't see to well right now she needs new contacts, i help her family in everything, i talk to them, they like me, i like them... i bring her a towel when she gets out of the shower, or carry her books or other stuff so that she doesn't have to. Granted i don't have to do all this for her and she can do this stuff herself, but i honestly want to do these things for her, its just second nature to me. Opening a door for her, having an umbrella in the car ready for her incase it rains... or an extra jacket/hoody
so i guess what i was trying to say is, it must be nice... if i were a girl, i would be very happy with that... i don't know... interpret it how you want. Yeah, there are pricks, dicks, and assholes out therewho could give 2 f*cks about you girls... i know this, i'm in a fraternity and i don't like how many of my brothers treat their girls... and i also know this because all of my girlfriends ex's were like this... but i'm not like that... i just never have been and i don't think i ever will be... so i guess what i was trying to say is, it must be nice to be with a person who cares so much and does os much for you, that is all.
edited by: Xquesiano, Aug 15, 2007 - 03:41 AM[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4901
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 12:57 PM
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oh and smakie9, as i said, i do think the counseling is a good idea, but... how would i go about telling her?
I also kind of want her to get a new cellphone, a new number, and she can give out her new number to the people she truly wants to have it, because she's always getting calls from dumbasses who know how she "use to be" in other words, easy... when she's drunk... or calls and text messages from one of her ex boyfriends, his friends, even his boss... and lets just say those text messages are... not nice... I asked one of my good friends, and he thought it was a great idea, "everyone loves a chance to start over" ...
ughhh... she's such a good girl... wonderfull person... she's amazing ... but boy has she made mistakes in her life, that she looks back on and wishes she hadn't, and wants to change because she knows she's still like that. She's done some messed up things... its sad when she can't even trust herself... she wants to change... maybe counseling would work? if she does want to change, i'd imagine she'd want to try it... right?
It's kind of messed up, all my friends, even my ex girlfriend who i am super good friends with have told me, just dump her and get a new one... get someone normal, who you can trust... but i can't, i lov her, i can't just leave, i don't want to leave, i want to help her, because i know she wants to change... if i knew she didn't want to change, i would of left a long time ago... but i can't now, especially because i care and love her so much... they say you can't change a person who is like that... i hope she prooves them all wrong. And it may sound as if i'm asking for the impossible here, or to mold her into what i consider my "dream girl" but its not like that, its just this one thing... its for the better... everyone would agree (except maybe her sister...)
edited by: Xquesiano, Aug 15, 2007 - 04:07 AM[addsig] |
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smackie9
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Post subject: 4903
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 02:29 PM
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| Well getting her out of that atmosphere is the best thing. But there is a problem that needs to be addressed.....she will always be easily influenced by the drinking no matter what. You just need to sit her down and talk to her about the counseling. If she refuses, she doesn't think she has a problem. Which in my eyes everyone is right.....you should move on and find someone who isn't so messed up. You can't always change or save someone from bad behaviour. She may need to learn this on her own. She hasn't hit rock bottom yet...sometimes that is the only way they will ask for help.[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4904
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 03:53 PM
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your answer was very unexpected, especially seeing how you said that i needed to give her a lot of support, in other words, be there for her.
I can't just move on and forget, i love her, i can't abandon her like that, if i can do something to help i will,plus, her being with me is giving her a reason to change, yes, she will always be influenced by drinking, and hopefully little by little, or through counseling, it will go away or not be a problem anymore. I will bring up the counseling if and when it becoms a bigger problem, for now, i don't want to pressure her and try to do things her way so she can figure itout on her own. [addsig] |
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Coldliz
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Post subject: 4905
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 05:20 PM
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I think it's great that you love her so much and want to help her, but sometimes people are impossible to help. I know you love her deeply but you have to ask yourself where is this relationship going. Do you plan on marrying her? If she doesn't change do you think you could put up with her being this way for years?
You said you have only been dating her 2 months, right? This seems like a lot to put up with after being together for such a short amount of time. I know you want to help her but if she doesn't help herself, nothing you do will change anything. Maybe you should stop babying her so much. Give her an ultimatum ...do something to change or you'll leave.
Like smakie said, she hasn't hit rock bottom yet. Even then though sometimes people go on still doing the same things. I know. My brother has hit rock bottom a few times and hasn't changed yet.
By the way, I didn't think it was wrong that you said that, but wrong that you felt that just because "if you were a girl" people would do everything for you.
edited by: Coldliz, Aug 15, 2007 - 03:23 PM[addsig] |
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smackie9
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Post subject: 4906
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 05:22 PM
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Well your comment about what others in your life are seeing of the situation is showing another point of view. It's that many share the same point of view.....which leads me to believe that this is far worse than what you are telling me. They sound very concerned for your well being and they are seeing what it is doing to you as a person. You can't baby her and wait to see if you can cure her of her problems....you can't really. Giving her a nice place to move into is only going to bandaid it for a bit and it starts all over again. Either you confront her now to get her into therapy or this vicious circle will keep repeating itself. Why wait? You know it's going to continue. You yourself even said you can't stop her from doing it again, she wants to continue partying with the end of this quarter. So why continue to beat your head against the wall each time it happens? Sometimes Love clouds our practcal thinking.........but hey it's up to you. Just remember no matter how hard you try, things may not improve and that's when you may have to walk away.
edited by: smackie9, Aug 15, 2007 - 12:23 PM[addsig] |
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Xquesiano
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Post subject: 4907
Posted: Aug 15, 2007 - 05:47 PM
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Coldiz: We're not dating, we're in a relatioship, and if i didn't see great potential in her, in other words, if she wasn't wife material, i would of left. Am i looking to get married? yeah. Now? no way, maybe in 3 years... she's a great girl, great grades, takes school and work serious, very mature (except for when she's drunk) etc... thats why i am with her, and yes, i could see myself living with her for the rest of my life. As far as 2 months, we've been basically living together for 3, every day we sleep at either her house or mine. If she did not change, no, i would not put up with it, right now i'm giving her the benefit of doubt, to see if the ultimatum that i did give her "posted earlier in this thread" will be enough for her to truly change. She is doing something to change,which is, not drink, we have "non-alcohlic drink nights" but, i know at some point or another, for example, when she's done with exams, she's going to tant to get wasted. Now, we've gotten watsed many times, and nothing has happened yet, but i am scared that it will... so we will see...
Smackie9: My friends know her reputation, and whats worse, her sisters reputation, My girlfriend is not like her sister, she's much more mature, her sister is simply the stupidest most fucked up girl i've meet, but having said this, her sister has influenced my girlfriend a lot, and i truly blame her for the mistakes she's made... it is not worse then i', telling you, i think its bad enough for your girlfriend to love you and want to be with you but tell you that theres a chance of her cheating on my when she gets drunk because when she's drunk she doesn't care about anything... and the next day she'll regret it... i think thats bad enough as it is... As for the nice place to live, i was moving anyway to this location, but her wanting to come and spend a lot of time there makes it better, i think it would be more bonding, and would get her away from that fucked up house she lives in. I will try to get her to go to counseling if i do see a problem, i know what you're saying though, about the vicious circle, and as i said, the moment she gives me a reason, i'll tell her to go to counselling, and if she doesn't, it will hurt, but i will most likely walk away. Yeah, love does clowd are practival thinking, love is a motherfucker.
edited by: Xquesiano, Aug 15, 2007 - 08:47 AM[addsig] |
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