| Author |
Message |
richdeniro
|
|
Post subject: Losing a Best Friend / Relationship Advice
 Posted: May 02, 2008 - 06:53 PM
|
|
Joined: May 02, 2008
Posts: 1
Status: Offline
|
|
Here goes - I'm a guy basically posting on here as I thought I would get a womans perspective about this - hope you guys don't mind. A friend of mine said that this site was a good source of advice so thought I would see if there was any words of wisdom from you guys about this kind of thing:
So here's the story, apologies for being so long winded...
About 3 years ago I met a lady at work and we clicked pretty much immediately becoming really really good friends - she's a good few years older than me, I'm 28 now and lets just say she was in her late 30s at the time, she's now in her early 40s. I let her know after a few drinks that I really liked her - which I did, I'm not the type of person who will just sleep with someone purely for the sex. I didn't expect it to go anywhere because she was married and had a child with her husband.
Anyway a couple of weeks later we went out for a few drinks and she basically came onto me - she pretty much jumped me and we basically made out a fair bit to put it mildly.
I should say that her husband works abroad in Switzerland and is away from home a lot of the time - he comes back to England once or twice a month or so for long weekends to see her and his daughter.
She let it be known to me that she wanted to have a affair with me and I was less than keen because she was married and had a child with her husband but she told me her marriage was over and was on the verge of divorce anyway. Me being a 25 year old guy with very little experience was eventually convinced - and it did take a heck of a lot of convincing - I had huge issues with being with someone who was married. I am a massively moral person and would no way want to get involved with someone who was married - especially someone who had a kid as well.
Anyways we basically had an affair that lasted for about 4-5 months before I learned that she was going on holiday with her husband and her family to Jamaica. I then realised that she wasn't going to break up with her husband and I cooled the relationship with her right off basically avoiding contact at work, not returning her calls/texts, etc. Something I regret because I know I did not really handle it right and I did hurt her.
I should add that from what she told me about her husband is that he isn't particularly a nice guy, I know that he has hit her once before and she has always said that he has never been her soulmate. She was convinced he was having an affair with someone in Switzerland too although had no solid evidence.
She went on the holiday and I pretty much didn't see her for a month and the whole thing was cooled, we saw each other at work and still remained great friends... if anything we became best friends and she confided everything in me, we would e-mail each other on a daily basis and chat on the phone for hours. We also went out for dinner every now and then.
Because I liked her still so much I did actually try and start up the relationship again, something I am not proud of, but she turned me down saying that her husband was paying her a lot more attention and that they were happy together. I was happy that she was trying to make a go of it with her family and there was no way in the world that I was going to be responsible for breaking up a family so I left it and was happy we were such great friends.
She then left her job as she wanted to be a housewife and be home for her daughter when she finished school. Her husband earns a fair bit and so she could afford to do that as he was able to support them without her working. We remained great friends and e-mailed each other at least 5 or 6 times a day, spoke on the phone regularly, again had dinner/lunch every few weeks, etc. Things seemed to be going good with her husband and she was visiting him regularly in Switzerland and he was visiting her over here.
This lasted until about a year ago when I realised I did really love her and told her so. She turned me down saying that my feelings weren't real and it was just because we were such good friend that I thought I felt this way. She said things were going ok with her husband and family so again I backed away. I thought that if we were best friends then that was good enough and again I wasn't going to break up a family.
But around last October she made contact with an old school friend through Facebook and they started flirting online and chatting via msn, etc - he was living in California but often travels to Florida from what she told me. From what I gather they weren't great friends at school and never dated or anything, everything started through facebook.
Anyway after a month or so of that she told me that she had decided her marriage was over and she really wasn't happy with her husband and she had a connection with this new guy via Facebook - by this time they had progressed to chatting on the phone and were in regular contact. This all hit me pretty hard so I basically told her my feelings for her and that I really loved her, was jealous of her new relationship, etc... She again told me my feelings weren't real and if anything didn't really give any sort of answer to my declaration.
She had a month long holiday planned with her husband and family in February which had been booked long before she met the guy off Facebook and before she went she told me she'd backed off of this new guy and was just going to go on holiday with her family - she told me that this guy was basically only after one thing and was a bit of a player which is why she'd left it. However she did say that through the whole thing she realised she was going to have to leave her husband eventually because if she was prepared to have another affair then things weren't right and they weren't right together.
She went off for her month long holiday - they went to Jamaica and Trinidad for three weeks with her family (brother and two sisters included) and then to Florida for a week with just her husband and daughter to visit one of her best friends. I am guessing that this was all paid for by her husband.
I didn't really have much contact with her for the month that she was away but gave her a call when she got back. She then told me that whilst she was in Florida she arranged to meet up with the guy from Facebook in a hotel and basically spent three nights with him - she told her husband that she and her friend were going away for a few days on a girls trip as they hadn't seen each other in years but that was all a lie as she was actually going off to meet her new man. This hit me like a ton of bricks because I always thought that if she did leave her husband it would be me that she left him for - I know that sounds stupid and terrible because she has a kid with him and we have such an age difference but I would never do her or her daughter wrong and have always cared and loved both her and her daughter.
I then told her my true feelings and for a couple of weeks acted like a bit of an idiot writing her e-mails telling her how I felt about her, etc. She broke off contact with me and pretty much stopped e-mailing and texting me, etc... whether or not it was to save me from any pain or because the new guy had replaced me in that respect I don't know.
She then went away to New York to meet up with her Facebook friend over Easter and spent a week over Easter with him there - I'm not sure what she told her husband as he came home from Switzerland for the Easter period and looked after their daughter whilst she was away - I assume she told him that she was going away visiting friends there.
When she returned from New York I apologised for the way I acted and told her basically I couldn't judge her and would rather her in my life as a friend than not at all. She then told me that we were going to have to have zero contact for a while whilst she goes through this breakup with her husband; she said that basically she is trying to break up with him putting him through as little pain as possible and not to hurt their daughter. Her husband has never liked us being close friends and has it in his head that there is something going on between us - this has actually worked in her favour it seems because whilst she is conducting her new affair he only has his eyes on me leaving her free to be in regular contact with the new guy.
Basically I am not sure what to do, I've never had such a connection with anyone else and I don't think I am ever likely to - I mean she is/was my best friend. However it seems that I care way more for her than she does for me and seems to have no problem with breaking off contact with me, it's now been nearly two weeks since we last had any contact and she said that the reason for this is because she is going through hell with trying to break up with her husband.
However she has yet to actually end things with her husband - as far as he is concerned they are having problems but wants to try and work them out. She has told me that she is entirely financially dependent on her husband which is why she hasn't ended it yet and also that he has some kind of exams coming up and she wants him to get through those before ending it.
She has also told me that she isn't in touch with me because she cannot be there for anyone right now as she is going through her own personal hell. Yet I know she is in touch with her Facebook friend on a daily basis. I admit I am jealous of this but it is obvious that she is lying to me about wanting to be left alone because she is also in touch with other friends she knows from work. Just to also add that I have also had a few health problems in the past month or so which required surgery and I always thought she would be there for me regarding things as serious as that however she completely ditched me regarding those and didn't even contact me for a few days following the surgery and hasn't contacted me in the past few weeks to see if there is any news on it.
Another sore point was a couple of weeks back my brother had to be sectioned, he's not at all well and suffers from mental illness. I won't go into that right now though. Basically it was hell, my dad and I had to take him to A&E at the hospital, wait around trying to control my brother for hours whilst waiting for a psychiatric nurse and doctor to go through the motions to get him assessed and eventually sectioned.
It was an extremely traumatic time for me and my family. I told my so-called best friend what had happened as it has happened before and she is the only one I have spoken to about it.
The next day I was playing around on Facebook passing the time trying to take my mind off the previous nights events. One of the applications on there allows you to buy/sell friends - yes it is as lame as it sounds. Anyway I bought this girl and then switched off thinking nothing of it.
A few hours later I got a e-mail from her requesting that I not buy her as a friend because she was worried about her new man not being happy with her being close to other guys. She also asked me if I would block her new man so that he couldn't see that I had bought her on this stupid program. I already have her husband blocked at her request some months ago. We haven't actually been Facebook 'friends' for a couple of months from when she pretty much cut me off however you can still do certain things via third party applications on there - hence the 'Friends for Sale' program that I speak of. I am thinking now that perhaps the best thing to do is to block her and just cut her out of my life completely now.
That was the last contact I had with her and the fact that this was all she cared about and was commenting on less than 24 hours after the hell I had gone through with my younger brother has shown me how emotionally selfish she can be.
Having not heard from her for a couple of weeks now should I just consign her to my past and give up fighting even trying to have a friendship with her?
The thing is that I am not entirely convinced that this new guy is right for her. Her initial instincts were that he was a bit of a player and was only in it for one thing. I know that she is quite attracted to money and it is fairly obvious that this guy has plenty. She also admits that she gets attracted to guys who she can't have and says that is why she ended up with her current husband. If things do work out between her and the new guy then I will find it in my heart to be happy for her but I think she is just thinking he is going to be the one who will take her away from all her problems here when in fact he is going to be less than keen especially as it would most likely involve taking on such responsibility with another man child. The fact he lives in Orange County and she lives in Sydenham is another obstacle. As far as I can see he probably just sees her as someone to sleep with whenever she flies across to the States. I maybe wrong in that respect though and maybe he actually does like her. I dunno.
I would say that Facebook, as sad as it sounds has vastly changed her life. She is originally from Jamaica and most of her family is over there and her friends are all spread out across the world. Despite living in London for the last 10 years she doesn?t really have any friends here ? she has her brother and sister living here too and is close to one of the girls she used to work with but that is about it. She has even said to me that the reason we had the affair was because she was lonely here and I came along and was paying her lots of attention and basically became friends with her. Now that Facebook has come along it has allowed her to get back in touch with many of her old friends that are spread around the world as well as find her new man through it. She would of course deny that Facebook is important but I would say that since it came along she hasn?t been talking to me as much and is on it 24/7 it seems because she doesn?t have much to do with herself during the day. I do think that this is slightly sad because these friends aren?t real friends, they are just friends from her past and social networking buddies.
I do love her so much and now beginning the process of letting go, I don't know if she is now moving on with her life and has decided not to bother with me anymore but if she does get in touch with me over the next few weeks I am now thinking that I will have to pass on her friendship. Also if the new guy does ditch her in the long term should I be there for her?
I know that is post is quite incoherent and rambles on a bit but I do appreciate any opinions about what I have said and if there is any advice to be had then I would appreciate it. |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
